You don’t expect and want me to talk about that day, right? But all your gossips, your way of looking at me..the negligence and shamelessness in your eyes..the ignorance you are teaching to your children are leading me to take this step. You made me feel like a criminal in your presence, you boycotted me and my family; you threw stones and flooded Dad’s phone with vulgar, dirty and threatening messages, you ignored me to the fullest you ever can, you treated me like I was responsible for all that, you questioned my character, you questioned my parent’s upbringing, you doubted the existence of self-respect that I have for me, and yes in a way.. YOU ALL RAPED ME. Yes, Don’t be shocked..you all are equally responsible. You celebrate Women’s day and talk about equal rights and feminism but, why are you so afraid to honor the HEROES…the acid attack survivors, the rape victims, the domestic violence victims etc?
My convicts gave me scars, I could never wash off but you, you made my life hell. You did every possible inhuman treatment with me. You did not even leave my little brother who had no idea about all this. They raped my body and you raped my existence…they stole my self-respect and you robbed me of my right to be treated as any other human, they threw me to die and you killed me while I was living..when I wanted to survive and face everything strongly, they did a heinous crime and you made me the criminal. So, you were no less than those.
You expect me to further tell you about that dark unfortunate night? But, sadly, it was not a dark night….it was an awful morning and mind you, I was dressed in a salwar kameez(the reality is far from your stories that say they were my male friends, that I was in shorts, that it was not a rape at all but a consent from me) I was returning home after buying milk from Diwedi Uncle’s shop..it was then that these four inhuman bloody shameless creatures forced me to enter their van. They made me smell chlorine due to which I went unconscious. Not many must have seen this happening since it was around 10.30 when all this happened. They took me to some place…raped me one by one..did everything brutal you can ever imagine and left me there to die. I was then recovered by the police with the help of the local people.
I was in mental trauma for days after this incident. I could not step out of my house for days in fear. I left everything I once loved doing. I kept quiet. I literally used to watch at the ceiling. That was my constant during the entire time. It did not speak anything to me. It did not talk about me. It did not cry like my mother. It did not hide anger like Dad. It did not watch me with innocence in its eyes like chintu. All it did was hear my loud silent screams. My constant. The ceiling of my bedroom.
Mom, please don’t be worried about my marriage. I am complete in myself and all i want is you to love me. I know the tension of my marriage has increased manifolds after that terrible incident, but Mom, Trust me, I don’t want to get married at all. I don’t want to get married to a man who will constantly remind me of that disgusting day, who may marry me only for money, who will never take me out on dinners and shopping and travel etc because this may bring disgrace to him and his family, who will never love me for who I am but will always see me with disrespect for what happened with me, who will never fight for me but always fight with me..against me, who will be an example to the society only because he chose to marry me but in actual, will make my life a living hell. Mom, your love, and your support will always give me the courage to stand against all odds. That’s all I need. So just stop being sorry for what happened..stop blaming yourself for that day…stop listening to people…JUST STOP. Dad, I know you will never show your tears to me. You don’t want me to go weak. I know you will never show your anger to anyone. But, this anger, this sorrow this will break you down from the inside. You are my strength Dad, I am nothing without you at all. And, I can’t let this happen to you and Mom. See, I am your strong girl Dad as you always told me to be.
So, dear Society, I am not going to commit suicide just because you are not with me. I am going to live and love. I am going to fall harder for myself because I am proud of my strength, I care for myself, and I am deeply and madly in love with my thoughts. You may still make your stories and try defaming me and teach your daughters to break their friendship with me, you may go on supporting those shameless creatures by saying, ”Boys will be Boys” but guess what..if you cannot control your tongue, I do not accept less than “humans will be humans” because that’s what humans do no..make false stories and gossip and pass their time….mind you, none of these are going to break me now. I have survived a lot and yes, I can survive this too!
Finally, ending my letter on a good note for you… I really hope and pray that nothing of this sort happens ever to your daughters, sisters, wives etc.