Even if we try our best, it’s hard not to hold resentment towards our exes. The reason for our hatred could be anything, maybe they ditched us or cheated on us; We can’t just let out anger go. But wasn’t that the same person you had an “unconditional love” with? Few months or years back, We wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing that person was and how we liked every aspect of him/her. What just happened now?
Why do we hate our ex?
Psychology suggests that staying angry is our way of taking revenge and showing them how badly they have harmed us through their actions. If we move forward in our lives forgiving our ex, it would be a sign that since I am doing well now, your actions didn’t hurt me. And that’s one thing we never want. We can never let our exes believe they were not at fault.
Then, there is another fantasy that if we hang onto our rage and suffering long enough, they might eventually see what wrong they have done, feel bad about it and everything might sail again. But yet again, this is just a fantasy and once the ship has sailed, it is never going to look back again. Sticking too long to this fantasy eventually make us hate them even more since they are not able to cater to your expectations even now.
There is another set of people who keep on hating their exes because this is the only way they are attached to their previous partners. Anger is a form of intense attachment and this could be another way you might feel close to your ex.
How did our extreme fondness convert into extreme hatred?
This is the most tricky thing we all can relate to. When we are in a relationship, everything our partner does seems cute and amazing. We always tend to ignore their mistakes and focus on how awesome they are.
But once broken up, we seem to find every possible mistake in them.
Did they change? or Did our perception of reality change?
This can be answered using simple human behavior and defense mechanism. As humans, we always tend to find an optimistic way to look at things we are doing right now. No matter how bad or poor that is, we would never sense it that way. And it’s easy to speculate too.
We all feel scared to scroll down our Facebook timeline or read our first few tweets. But at that particular time, even those tweets and posts seemed perfect to us. We ended up hating it now because humans always have an optimism bias for what they are doing right now and by judging our past as mistakes help to feel the growth in our lives.
The same ideology applies in the case of your exes. When you were in a relationship, you were only focused on finding what right you were doing rather than seeing the entire picture. But now that you have broken up and it’s your long lost past, blaming and hating your ex makes you feel better about the current situation you are in. The hatred brings along with it a sense of achievement in your life.