Does the word “self-dependent” sound like a heavy baggage to you? And if it does, it quite normal. We are dependent on people for needs, be it physical or mental. And we consistently feel the need to fulfil these. Just as we need food to keep our body growing, we need love and intimacy to keep us sane and that would involve another person.
Does that mean, we can never be self-dependent?
It for sure sounds like it. But hear me out. What are the basic necessities we need in our life? A house to live in? A well paying job? Three courses of the meal and a partner who could satisfy your physical and mental needs? Does that sound like a decent life?
Let’s now take everything away from you. You don’t have a job, you don’t have a house to live in and your partner has mysteriously disappeared. Does that make you anxious? Can you feel the fear and blood rushing through your veins? This is the fear we all have craved inside us. This is the fear we constantly live with, the fear that we will be deprived of things that currently fulfils our need. We constantly worry that one day our job could be gone, or our lover would leave us for someone better. The mere thought that something which gave us so much happiness might leave us one day makes us uncomfortable.
This makes us slaves to those people and those objects. When our only conduit for feeling appreciated is our looks or money, then we will become enslaved to our appearance and money, both of which are cruel masters.
If we feel like our lover is the one and only person on the planet who can make us feel this way, we cling to them and smother them with our demands and affection, shackling ourselves to them, because what is living if without them?
And this makes us even more dependent on them. We cannot imagine our life without them and even the smallest of their mistake seems like a huge blunder to us. We tend to expect so much from them that no matter what they do seems less causing us even more troubles.
Can you sense a pattern here?
When we try to be dependent on others for needs, the more troubled we get. It’s like an endless loop where we always seem like we have reached our home of happiness only to find out the key being with someone else. And like the old proverb says “Never give the key to your happiness to someone else”.
Understanding what you really need could help!
Our life is mostly controlled by fear and if we could find a way to eliminate the fear, We would eventually reach a place where we don’t someone to make us happy.
And the best way to eliminate fear would be by realising that we mistake the objects that provide for our needs for the needs themselves.
You don’t need your lover. You need to be loved. You don’t
You don’t need your job. You need to feel secure. You don’t
You don’t need to be beautiful. You need to feel appreciated.
All you need is “You”. You have a constant demand of needs and only you know how to fulfil it. The fear that is engraved inside you doesn’t make much sense when you understand how it works.
All that is required is an ability and a confidence in yourself to meet your needs. That lover, he or she may leave you. But eventually, there would be another one. That job, they may fire you. But there will eventually be another opportunity. Your status or appearance may fade, but there would always be more ways in which you will feel important and appreciated. Assuming one has the will, all needs can be replenished.
It’s just your fear that governs your action and not the need itself.
Moreover, It’s about enjoying the present!
It’s often said that cynicism is the worst enemy to a relationship. Consider it yourself. How many times have you felt arguing with your partner or not being able to give your 100% in a job just because you were jealous or insecure? If it happens too often with you, it’s time to change. When you invest your energy in negative emotions like fear and jealousy , you are actually depriving yourself of the positivity that you can live with,in the current moment. Our standards for jealousy and insecurity are often based on plots based in future or mostly “What ifs”. If the What ifs which hardly has any base with reality haunts us and makes our present bitter, why do we even consider it? Let’s just enjoy the things as it comes because you are the person you need and this is the time you need to utilise.
Considering that “What Ifs” which hardly has any base with reality haunts us and makes our present bitter, why do we even consider it? Let’s just enjoy the things as it comes becuase you are the person you need and this is the time you need to utilise. Don’t let fear define what you are and never let dependency come as a halt to your happiness.